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Some Jokes...

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Some Jokes...

Postby gdi » Mon Aug 14, 2006 1:28 pm

Joke #1

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the head of the family, so call me the Prime Minister.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so call her the Government.
We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people.
The maid, we'll consider the working class, and your baby brother, we'll call him the future.
Now think about that and see if it makes any sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the maid's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the maid.
He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "The Prime Minister is screwing the working class while the government is sound asleep. The people are being ignored and the future is in deep $#&@!”

Joke #2

A Mother had three virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: "Nescafe"!

Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop”.

Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Rothmans". Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the pack: "Extra Long. King Size"

She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in Cape Town. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "South African Airways”

Mom took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for SAA.

The ad said: "Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

Mom fainted!

Joke #3

HE YEAR'S BEST [ACTUAL] HEADLINES OF 2003


1.. Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
2.. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
3.. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
4.. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
5.. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
6.. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
7.. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
8.. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
9.. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
10.. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
11.. War Dims Hope for Peace
12.. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
13.. Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
14.. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
15.. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
16.. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
17.. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
18.. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
19.. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
20.. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
21.. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

And the winner is....

22. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Joke #4

UNSPOKEN GRAPHIC DESIGN RULES

1. Your fonts will default to the worst possible font available on the
machine you are showing your work on.

2. The less time you have the more useless your computer will become

3. If you have two versions of a photo, the wrong one will make its way to
the printer.

4. Promises made by the sales staff have no basis in reality.

5. The sales staff will promise anything.

6. If the text consists of two words, one will be misspelled.

7. Speed.Quality. Affordability. Pick two.

8. If the run is wrong, it's never the press operator's fault.

9. Spell checkers don't.

10. Grammar checkers don't, either.

11. Proof raeders are useless.

12. Global search-and-replaces aren't.

13. The index entry you leave out will be the first one the client looks under.

14. Optical Character Recognition(OCR)is good comedy.

15. If three designs are shown to a client, your least favorite will be chosenor any combination of worst components of each.

16. If two designs are shown, a third will be requested. If provided, then one of the first two will be chosen.

17. If you ask for more copy it will be sent as a Jpeg. If you ask for images they will send powerpoint presentations.

18. Clients don't have their company logo in a usable print ready format so don't bother asking.

19. Blue line proofs reveal previously invisible errors.

20. The best designs never survive contact with the client.

21. You will misspell the name of the client's spouse.

22. Your best idea is already copyrighted.

23. The best way to find errors in your code is to show a client "a new feature"
24. There is no stock photo ever made that matches the image you have in your head

25. Creative inspiration flows in inverse proportion to the distance from the studio.

26. Time allowed to complete work is inversely proportional to time taken by client to work out what to complain about

27. Doctors, astronauts, and plumbers need training to do their jobs, but anyone with a computer is a graphic designer

28. No matter how detailed the tech support FAQ is, nobody has ever heard of your problem

29. The number of colours in a client's design will equal the number of colours in the original bid specs, plus two

30. The client's disk won't run on your equipment & when it does will contain unusable copyrighted images

31. If you purchase new equipment to read your client's disk, it will be the last disk of that type you will ever receive

32. Your client will often not like your design but not quite know why.

33. Computer crashes always happen exactly 30 seconds before saving.

34. A client who knows exactly what he wants is worse than one that has no idea.

35. Clients who do not provide content upfront will complain about the use of Latin Copy

36. Everything has to be done immediately, deadlines are incredibly important unless client has to provide materials or approve your work

37. The customer is always right . & an idiot.

There are at least 5 things you could think to add to this list if only you had more time.

Joke #5

Q: How many sub-editors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: We can't tell whether you mean "insert a new lightbulb" or "have sexual relations inside a lightbulb". Can we reword it to remove ambiguity?

Q: How many art directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Does it have to be a lightbulb?

Q: How many proof readers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: The last time this was asked it involved Art Directors. Is the difference intentional? It seems inconsistent.

Q: How many writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Why do we have to change it?

Q: How many editors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It was supposed to be in place last week!

Q: How many publishers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in and two more to hold down the editor.

Q: How many marketing directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It isn't too late to make it neon, is it?

Q: How many advertising directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: We're not sure because the client might change it tomorrow. Cut some editorial anyway.

Q: How many sales directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: (pause) I get it! It's one of those lightbulb jokes, right?

Joke #6

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? A true story. We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, ! but half the crew did too!

Later! :)
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Postby Senior » Thu Sep 14, 2006 1:50 am

Pretty cool :lol:
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Postby Lost Heaven » Wed Nov 01, 2006 11:52 pm

Joke #3 reminds me of SimCity3000 headlines XD
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Re: Some Jokes...

Postby camellia89 » Wed Sep 22, 2010 4:25 am

wow, so cool
these stories refresh myself.
Thank you so much.
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